| soooo tired of this |
[25 May 2006|12:31pm] |
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mood |
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so i havent updated in a while. guess thats because nothing new has happened. i go to doctors and they tell me nothing. they cant find whats wrong. so guess what...
tomorrow i will be going to the ER in pittsburg to be admitted to the hospital. it seems i am only getting worse according to tests but apparently my doctors think that i can wait 3 weeks for results of things and then try something new. i have no appetite, my stomach is always the size of a balloon and i cant walk on my own im so weak.
im scared to death. i hate to admit it but im petrified. daddy is taking my tomorrow afternoon but he has to leave that night so i think ill be alone till saturday at some point. i dont know how long ill be there but visitors are always welcome just ask me when i get there what the deal is. my cell WILL BE ON...or else id really go nuts
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[24 Apr 2006|03:05pm] |
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i have some bad news...for me anyway.
i went to see the doc today. gasticwhatever to find out about my scope. well not only do i have to get a scope from both ends but they ordered a ultrasound for my pancreas and my liver but another blood test.
the blood test needed 14 viles of blood. and i fainted in the chair. i hate the smell of ammonia. ANYWAY so the results show that my iron level has gone down. so now tomorrow i need a blood transfusion. im scare of getting aids and dying.
oh and im down to 123 in weight. and i swear the doctor said i was anorexic...that fucker, i wish i could eat!
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| gassssssss |
[05 Apr 2006|04:38pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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so i got more fun renee news.
as we all know im very very sick. well, if you have come over im sure you have complained about a gas smell. we had it "fixed" about 2 months after we moved in. it was "fixed" but the turn of a valve by our furnace. well last night we called again about the smell and the same guys game out. after checking everything REALLY GOOD (sarcasm) he decides that the same valve is loose. well i ask if the valve could come loose with time and he says no. i say thats funny bc thats what you tightened last time you were here to fix this. all this time my dad is on the phone listening and bitching. keep in mind im home alone! so anyway i insist they call the gas company. what do you know....WE HAVE A LEAK. the guy from the gas company couldnt believe how stupid the other guy was.
so now im BACK to the doctors to see if thats why im so sick. yup how LOVELY. if it is....holy shit im sueing. like no freaking other.
im still feeling bad, more tired then ever and so weak i get out of breath walking to one class or even from my car to the apartment. i have nothing.
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[31 Mar 2006|12:38pm] |
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quick thought
some people are so into themselves they dont care when their "friends" are extremely sick. cars, drinking, relationships, themselves.
cant you fucking leave a message or call? no? not friends? good for the health!
i just dont give a shit anymore....
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| some "sick" news |
[28 Mar 2006|08:02pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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panic! at the disco |
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i know i havent updated in a while. i guess i have a really good reason. im really sick.
it all started 4 months ago and kinda never went away. i went to my family doctor (richard stigliano) 3 times and i am still sick. he only gave me pills for what I thought may be wrong. so i kinda gave up and just prayed i could fix it myself. yeah...no. so i went and finally got blood work. it turns out that i am EXTREMELY anemic. the normal count for iron in your blood is 12-15 and mine is 6 and there was something else i was lacking in but i forgot. i also have a very high level of pheritines (whatever i have NO idea what they are) i just know they are caused by stress, lack of exercise, and poor diet. speaking of poor diet i have lost 20 lbs so i actually look sickly. i also tested positive for MAYBE having stomach ulcers therefore in a month i get a tube stuck down my throat to see. and the best news is that on thursday since i am so sick i have to have a 6-7 hour iron iv treatment. i will be locked in a room with an iv slowly putting the right amount of iron in my body. and the bag is big. matt is taking the day off and i cant believe it. god i dont know what i would do without him. im missing so much school its pathetic. apparently i let it get to the worst stage of all this or something bc all the docs are kinda freaking out.
on a good note i have a new job where i take care of sweet old ladies and watch their tv or do homework. all i do is get their food and help them walk and to the bathroom. easy 7 bucks and hour.
but im sick so feel bad for me :)
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[19 Feb 2006|01:22pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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so i finally quit tic toc. walked out this morning. and now i really need a job! someone help!
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[16 Feb 2006|10:31pm] |
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mood |
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today turned out good
really good
i def didnt see that coming
i have a smile on my face, it feels weird but i like it!
thank you
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[16 Feb 2006|01:46pm] |
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mood |
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so my last entry was pretty emotional for me but i cant help it. thats what i am not. im stressed to the point where i cant take another thing on my shoulders.
i want so much to be happy and secure. but with everything going on i cant grasp it. its almost at the tip of my fingers. i just feel like i have no control over parts of my life.
i dont understand friends anymore. things were supposed to be unconditional or whatever but thats not the case. i know im at fault bc i do grow angry easily but why would ppl do certain things. and if maybe you think im misunderstood on what you do or why im angry at you, a friend would take the time to find out or help me understand. and no one can blame for not calling them bc i dont hear my phone ringing. instead of blowing off things for my wedding to eat wings or bowl...invite me! it would piss me off a lot less.
im sorry that this is all blowing off steam but really the only things that make me happy are matt, my family, and my friends that...well...you know. but its time for lab!
bye ppl
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[14 Feb 2006|10:45am] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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hey ya'll. just thought i would throw in a usless update that no one reads or anything.
so the next three weeks are going to be hell because i have 3 exams, 2 papers, 1 acting scene to perform with a professor and 1 research project due. the three exams all go in order: monday-social psychlogy; tuesday-personality; wednesday-sociology. so yeah. try not to get stressed!~
weddings comin up pretty fast. got things to do. but i dont sleep through the meetings IM supposed to go to or skip things to bowl. but oh well, i need to care. but i sadly dont. which brings me to my next point.
ive been so stressed bc of everything and everyone that im done. i want to be happy and ignorant. and thats the truth. if i just ignore the stupid crap...im happy. i dont care what you think bc you havent taken the wax out of your ears to hear me. if everyone can be all about themselves or....me too!
on a lighter note things are crazy. im actually calming down so its nice. im able to budget my time and relax. go me
well its time for good ol westminster badmitton
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[08 Feb 2006|03:16pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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so we are visiting chris saturDAY
anyone wanna come?
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| this is kinda sad |
[07 Feb 2006|03:42pm] |
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mood |
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nauseated |
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so ive been sick...no one knows bc no one asks. my fault.
here are things that i wish
i wish i didnt flip out about school
i wish i was so concided that i dont recognize ppl hate me
i wish that i was so blind that i dont see how i hurt ppl
i wish that i had no morals (just imagine)
i wish i was eating more
i wish i havent lost 9 lbs in 3 weeks, i feel so unhealthy
i wish i could look past ppl
i wish that i wasnt sensitive
i wish i didnt have tear ducts
i wish i cared more about myself than anyone
i wish i only had a job to worry about
i wish i acted my age
i wish i had a childhood
i wish ppl understood me
i wish ppl knew me
i wish i knew ppl
i wish laundry didnt exist
i wish i was more worried about my car being pretty more than anything else
i wish i was happy
i wish i didnt let the little things eat at me
i wish i stood up for more things
i wish i wanted more
i wish i wasnt tired
i wish i liked food like i used to
i wish i was better to look at in the mirror
i wish i could punch ppl that i want to whenever i want to
i wish my temper didnt show like the one above
i wish i could say certain things to certain ppl then take them back
i wish i could let go
i wish i had a heart
i wish other ppl had hearts
i wish ppl werent so wrapped up in themselves
i wish i could watch the rest of the gauntlet II before anyone else
i wish i could stay up past 11
i wish i could sleep later than 8
i wish i didnt think i need 9 hours of sleep a day
i wish i had another way to say what i feel
i wish i didnt need to say what i feel
i wish i didnt have a wedding to plan
i wish i wasnt so in love that i want to get married
i wish matt and i were like when we first got together
i wish i didnt feel as if i was in a rut
i wish i was better
i wish i didnt rely on medication
i wish i didnt pay 40 a month for birth control
i wish my classes were easier
i wish i had all the answers
ok, so if you think that was all useless, im hoping its not. i wanted to get everything that ive been pondering for so long and i really think is making myself sick. i want to get better and i think if i can just let these go ill be ok. or let 75% of them go. i know im not alone, i know im angry, and i know others are as well.
things need to change. i need to change. but im so tired and i almost dont care, but i dont want to give up on myself. being depressed is a bitch but im not going to live like this forever. who could??
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[04 Feb 2006|08:48pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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i guess its about time i update. i do finally have the internet in the apartment. FINALLY.
things with matt and i are absolutely great. never really been better you could say. we are both getting really excited about the wedding and everything and basically just happy to be together. money is really tight concidering tic toc has been cutting hours and matt got a 2 day suspension.
well, ive been sick. for months now on and off. it can go away for a week but the same thing will come back. so i finally went to the doctor and they told me i stressed myself out enough to be sick. so its all my fault. yup. so he gave me anti depressants that im not taking ( and i dont want your opinion on that) and some nerve meds that knock me out. i have felt so bad and sad and just empty lately and its hard. matt and i are doing really good bc he is there to pick me up all the time. we are going to fight this together.
on an upside matts gettin 1800 for his taxes back, we are paying off my car! go us!
so thats all, im up dating bc i dont really talk to anyone. me being sick isnt the whole reason im sure but its an excuse. thats all we need. an excuse.
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[30 Dec 2005|04:21pm] |
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well its been forever since i updated. this COULD be bc i dont have the net. im supposed to be getting it in like a week or more. right after we get home from celebrating xmas in WV. yeah, better late then never. my xmas blew so im hoping this makes up for it.
its new years eve! i guess im going to a party that my boss is throwing. its should be great. def not going to the camp. no reason to mention why now, but i can say ive learned a few things about a few ppl and im just not into it anymore. kinda sucks that matt will be at work when the ball drops tho.
on a lighter note i got my grades! i just decided to look. i got 3 As and 2 Bs. and this is why i dont hang out during the semester anymore. i care about my grades and my future and it pays off! yeah so im damn proud of myself.
i have an interview at ponderosa at 2 on monday but i dont know if im going. i dont really know what i want to do about a job, it would be a def pay cut ya know. so i guess i got some thinkins.
well thats all
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[15 Dec 2005|03:59pm] |
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mood |
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 ...derrrrrrrrrr |
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| You Are Dasher | 
You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules.
Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year
Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents. |
yeah, i have a final that i may not go to tomorrow and im doing this
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[14 Dec 2005|11:03am] |
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mood |
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drained |
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should be studying....BUT
1* First grade teacher's name: i dont remember
2* Last word you said: shit
3* Last song you sang: haha...billies blues by holiday! studying for a music final
4* Last person you hugged: matt
5* Last thing you laughed at: i just laughed at the song i sang
6* Last time you said I don't remember: i just TYPED it
7* Last time you cried: my bday :(
*PRESENT*
9* What color socks are you wearing: white
10* What's under your bed: boxes
11* What time did you wake up today: 630
12* Current taste: v8 splash
13* Current hair: straight
15* Current annoyance: i freaking am annoyed by finals
16* Current longing: to be done with finals
17* Current desktop background: um, some westminster deal
18* Current worry: finals
19* Current hate: finals squared
20* Current favorite article of clothing: my new hoodie
21* Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: i cant remember seeing it
22* Last CD that you listened to: the one i made to study for a music final
23* Favorite place to be: in my bed
24* Least favorite place: work and class are dead even
25* Time you wake up in the morning?: normally 8
26* If you could play an instrument, what would it be? violin
27* Favorite color: orange
28* Do you believe in an afterlife: something like that
29* How tall are you: 5 ft. 5 inches
30* Current favorite word/saying: what?
31*Favorite book: some stephen king books
32* Favorite season: spring
33* One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: keith
*FUTURE*
35* Where do you want to go for college? not here
36* What is your career going to be like: money
37* How many kids do you want: 2 if not none
*HAVE YOU EVER...*
39* Said "I love you" and meant it: yea
40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc:my fucking rat is the king shitter
41* Been to New York: no
42* Been to Florida: no
43* Been to California: born there bitches
44* Been to Hawaii: no
45* Been to Mexico: no
46* Been to China: no
48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: no, but that would be cool
52* Do you have a crush on someone: i dont know if getting married to the person you love mean i got a crush on him, but if it does...yea
53* What book are you reading now?: some psych shit
54* Worst feeling in the world: rejection and lonliness
55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: i gotta pee
56* How many rings before you answer: i like the whole song so a lot
57* Future daughter's name: dont know
58* Future son's name: i guess matt claims the first son so its gonna be matthew stephen borsa jr
59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: body pillow bc of my rib
60* If you could have any job you wanted: prof tv watcher or food tester
61* Wish you were here: 14
62* Where's 62? hot dogs
63* Piercings: ears tongue
64* Do you do drugs: no
65* Do you drink: nope
67* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?: that fruitis stuff
68* What are you most scared of?: being alone
69* What clothes do you sleep in: now a pair of shorts.
70* Who is the last person that called you: hmmm...let me check my cell...matt, but i didnt answer
71* Where do you want to get married: outside, but i didnt win that fight
72* If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: my temper and my thunder thighs, maybe my preg lookin belly
73* Who do you really hate: hmm so manyyyyyyyy
74* Been In Love: ya
75* Are you timely or always late: often late, dad tells me that something starts a half hour before it usually does so im on time
76* Do you have a job: ya
77* Do you like being around people: depends on who they are
78* Best feeling in the world: a nice long hot shower.......maybe sometihng else that i dont know about
79* Are you for world peace: why not
80* Are you a health freak: no im dying right now
81* Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after: i cant say i do....
82* Do you want someone you don't have?: if i did, getting married would be a BAD IDEA
83* Are you lonely right now: a little
84* Ever afraid you'll never get married: haha, um..may
85* Do you want to get married: sometimes
86* Do you want kids? not really, but ill lose that bet too
*IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...*
87* Cried: almost
88* Bought Something: 250 on my eyes
89* Gotten Sick: YEAH
90* Sang: yea
91* Said I Love You: i dont know
92* Wanted To Tell Someone You Liked them: no
93* Met Someone: um, i meet new ppl at work all the time
94* Moved On: no
95* Talked To Someone: no im a hermit..OFCOARSE
96* Had A Serious Talk: yeah,. but it failed...going for #2 today
97* Missed Someone: everyday of my life
98* Hugged Someone: ya
99* Yelled at Someone: Iits renee...come on!
100* Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: no
that was depressing
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[14 Dec 2005|09:23am] |
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nauseated |
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i had a revelation the other day....IM 20
yea
not 30
not 40
im not even married yet why act like ive been married for 25 years? i stay home and do nothing. i should be going out. i should be getting into trouble. but no, i dont. ever. things seriously need to change. i hate that i feel so old and feel like i have to be so mature. thats not really fair. dont we all think i had to grow up really early bc of my past? well, its time to stop and have fun. i WILL go out with you guys for new years. i want too...actually i need to. ive been so sick and i got even sicker so i havent left the apartment again. i just stay on the couch and think of all the things i cant eat. its so gay. i got finals this week so its gonna be boring. i plan on going out sat night with some girls from work so that should be a reward.
yeah im sick again. i dont know why. i can keep some food down, just all depending if i can get it down to begin with. my dinner las tnight was a BIG apple. yeah, that was it. i woke up wanting to throw up. so i had another apple on the way to school..its still down.
2 finals down
2 to go....THE HARDEST ONES OF MY LIFE
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[12 Dec 2005|11:16am] |
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mood |
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cranky |
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so yesterday was my bday and i spent most of it crying
heres why
1. matt was really mean and hurt my feelings...a lot
2. i had NO idea tyler wrecked another bmw...it kills me bc i dont see my friends, break is going to be way different!
3. i miss my daddy, he came to see me and it reminds me that he left
4. i miss keith
i have come to realize i hate my bday. it is never what i want it to be. but thanks to my friends i did have some fun last night. my life savers, and my dad too. i was so happy he came to see me! it meant the world to me, he took me to red lobster where i had the feast. lobster tail, crab legs and shrimp scampi! WOW! sooo good. i think matts taking me to the outback tonight for some steak. probably to make up for yesterday.
my license expires today. so yeah. i should work on that.
i final down....3 to go.
2 quizzes left too.
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[09 Dec 2005|12:21pm] |
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hi ya'll
so i just went from almost cryin to being in a pretty good mood. finals are next week for much of us i suppose. and SHIT IM FUCKED. but on the bright side, my bday is sunday. my dad is coming to spend it with me and i will be studying? wait? is that the bright side?
NO. i have been sick and just am getting over it. it was yucky. ldidnt leave the apartment for almost a whole week. missed 2/3rds of the last week of classes. and soooo behind? is that the bright side?
NO. i dont have one, im just in a good mood. i dont want to be irritated, so im not. i got too much to worry about so i decided that taking it a day at a time is the best way. i refuse to get over whelmed. not my style anymore.
good luck to all on finals!
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| some friends! |
[02 Dec 2005|12:35pm] |
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mood |
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crazy |
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so yesterday was the first day of my birthday month! NO ONE CALLED TO WISH ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY. everyday ppl! a whole month! why? bc im freaking sweet! GOSH! so yeah, day 2 and no one has called. what the hell is going on here?!
SOME FRIENDS at least my family remembered!
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[21 Nov 2005|07:01pm] |
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mood |
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so 2 in 1 day!!!!go me! im actually sitting at matts bros house playin on his internet bc matt and his bro are playing video games. no seriously...
so im doing poprocky's thingy
1. What is your Boyfriend/girlfriends name? Matthew Stephen Borsa
2. What color underwear are you wearing now? NONE!
3. What are you listening to right now? matt and his bro playin some car game
4. What are the first 3 digits in your phone number? 866
5. What was the last thing you ate? a slim jim (I SWEAR! we just bought the 24 pack bc im OBSESSED!)
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? mac and cheese!
7. How is the weather right now? freezing with a hint of cold
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Eileens Bridal
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? teeth..sorry to say im shallow
10. Favorite type of Food? type...can i just say crab legs
11. Do you drink? if you are referring to injesting liquids, yet...alcohol? NO
12. Do you smoke? nope
13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember what you did? yeah....kitchen angels
14. Hair color? brown, blonde, red...i like variety
15.Eye color? greenish
16. Do you wear contacts? yup speaking of which i totally need to hit up wal mart for an exam
17. Favorite Holiday? my birthday
18.Favorite Month? may has been newly crowned my fav month...my second birthday!
19. Have you ever cried for no reason? im renee...come 'on
20. What was the last movie you watched? hrmmm...its been a while i think family guy movie
21. Favorite Day of the Year? dec 11th my bday!
22. Are u too shy to ask someone out? hell no......give me a break
23.If you could say something to someone you like right now what would it be? GET YOUR DRESSES FITTED GIRLS!
24. Hugs or Kisses? kisses
25. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate
26. Do you want your friends to respond? yeah sure they wont, but sure
27. Who is most likely to respond? bethany...shes sweet like that
28. Who is least likely to respond? ppl who dont have livejournal
29. What books are you reading? learning and memory....deviance....western music....etc etc etc
30. Piercings? yeah, ears and tongue ( almost closed )
31. Favorite Movie? CRYBABY and thats before johnny depp was hot shit
32. Favorite Soccer Team? um, the one that pele was on ;)
33. What were you doing before this? wishing i could shove my head into a wall instead of watch them play games.
34. Any pets? a fishy named killer and a rat named spud (but hush hush, apt cant have animals)
35. AIM? HA, yeah i do, but no internet so im NEVER on
6. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? can i have 2 of those?
37. Dogs or cats? dogs...I LOVE THE SMELL! just more damn fun
38. Favorite Flower? orange
39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? oh, i got a list that could take a year
40. Are you taken or single? taken...hell im engaged!
41. Have you ever loved someone? thats one of the prerequisites
42. Who would you like to meet? hmm....God.
44. Have you ever fired a gun? yeah, my damn uncles said i was a pussy when i didnt want to, so i did
45. Do you like to travel by plane? yeah it was cool...i always did it alone tho
46. Right-handed or Left-handed? right....no seriously i knew that
47. If you could be with someone right now, who would it be? im with him!
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? does matt count as a pillow?
49. Are you missing someone? my bro....rip!
50. Do you have a Tattoo? yeah and i want another and i want to add to the one i have!
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